In Defense Of Justin Bieber

It’s the eyebrows, I think, that really send people over the edge about Justin Bieber. He’s locked them in a position of permanent surprise, like everything he’s seeing – from screaming teens to Brazilian prostitutes – has left him dumbfounded. It’s an infuriating expression, one seen on club-bound bros and Jaden Smith, and they transform his already-punchable face into a neon sign flashing the words “PUNCH HERE. PUNCH HERE AND PUNCH HARD AND NOT EVEN THE MOST VENGEFUL JURY WITH THE HANGINGEST JUDGE IN THE DEEPEST DARKEST PART OF TEXAS WILL CONVICT YOU.” Credit to the lawyers at his recent


Not in the Face

I’ve been knock-kneed certain that I was about to die on exactly two occasions. The first time, I was on my back, in full football gear, ready for the Oklahoma Drill to start. The drill has many variants, but all of them involve hitting. Two players line up opposite one another, perhaps five yards apart – enough to start a charge but not enough for even the fastest players to really get up to speed. Our version of the drill had the coach holding a football at about stomach level in between the two players. At his whistle, we’d scramble


A Failed Diplomacy

Joe Martino finds out what happens when an AI wants you dead no matter how insane their losses.

What is Best in Life?

Good King Joe DeMartino feels that mercy is for the weak as he plays the “Prophesy of Pendor” mod for Mount & Blade: Warband.

Craving Disappointment

Joe DeMartino plays the Mass Effect 3 DLC Citadel and finds the disappointment is a fickle thing,