I recently watched Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol on DVD, and one of the trailers I was forced to sit through was for the upcoming G.I. Joe sequel, G.I. Joe: Retaliation. My first reaction was surprise, because the first movie was, by my recollection, terrible. But as I watched this trailer, I felt strange. Unsettled. What was this emotion? Anticipation? Excitement?!?
This is a sequel to a crap movie. How could I be excited for it? After all, nobody was like, “I’m super psyched for Transformers 2.” It just came out and people who enjoy that kind of shit went to see it because, deep down, they hate themselves. But by the end of this trailer, I turned to my wife, who has to put up with me saying stupid shit like this all the time, and said, “I am super psyched for that G.I. Joe movie.” She is a lucky lady. (more…)
I grew up going to Catholic school and attending a Catholic church. Obviously, I got bombarded by a lot of Satan talk, but I was never able to take any of it seriously. I mean, the idea that there is an actual place like hell, where people are being boiled in pots of oil and skewered on pitchforks for eternity? That’s so much effort. How do the demons sustain their enthusiasm to torture for all time? Do they get dental insurance? And Satan himself always came across as more needy than terrifying. Oh, I need your soul. Reject God and be my BFF. Even as a child, I remember thinking, well, this is a bunch of bullshit (I always cursed in my mind as a child because my mother has a potty mouth). (more…)
Ever since I was a small boy, I’ve had a peculiar obsession.
I know that is an intriguing first sentence and you’re instantly titillated, but I’m afraid you’re going to be disappointed. You see, my obsession is statistics. Did I suck you in only to lose you completely two seconds later? Well, I won’t apologize. You shouldn’t be so easily titillated. In fact, it’s a little disgusting to be visiting Unwinnable to get your rocks off fantasizing about the obsessions of small boys. Okay, this article has already gotten away from me. Let’s start over. (more…)